Mary Loyer: Founder of Red Lipstick Inc.
Subscribe to my blog, and get ideas and tips for being your best self, and getting what you need from your man with a lot less effort. Perhaps you'll learn something new, or get a reminder to practice living in your fabulousness. Enjoy!
- Are You Showing Him the REAL You?
- Marriage is as Marriage does…
- Does He Know the Color of Your Eyes?
- Are you Over-looking Heroes in Your midst?
- Step 4: Offer Him Your Appreciation and Reveal the Hero!
- August 2011
- April 2010
- March 2010
- February 2010
- January 2010
- December 2009
- November 2009
- October 2009
- July 2009
- June 2009
- May 2009
- March 2009
- February 2009
- January 2009
- December 2008
- November 2008
- September 2008
- August 2008
- June 2008
- May 2008
- April 2008
- March 2008
- February 2008
- January 2008
- Step 4: Offer Him Your Appreciation and Reveal the Hero! on
- Can You have Harmony without Being a Pushover? on
- Are You Sending Your Man Mixed Messages? on
- Does He Know the Color of Your Eyes? on
- Can You have Harmony without Being a Pushover? on
July 29, 2009
Love is a pretty powerful emotion isn’t it? If you have children, you no doubt love them so much you would do anything for them. I know I would go above and beyond for my loved ones. As women, love can have us adapt to what is needed in each moment, whether it be nurturing a close friend in sadness, going to see your husband’s favorite band that you’re not crazy about, or perhaps even cancelling plans with your girlfriends for a hot date…all in the name of love, right? I didn’t realize that men were different in this way until I over-heard a woman on a street corner telling another woman, “If he loved me enough, he would take out the trash without me telling him!” I admit, I chuckled a bit to myself, because I wondered, ”What’s love got do with it?”
Then I realized that love has a lot to do with it, because as women, if we love someone, we often do all the things we think will make them happy, even if it’s something we would not choose to do. I remember in a past relationship, I learned to fish, because of love. I haven’t picked up a fishing rod since!
I’ve seen over the years that we as women will move mountains for love. What an amazing gift we have as the nurtures of the world! It is natural that we might expect men to do the same. This can cause some misunderstandings though, as Men are natural providers and protectors. So imagine if the Hunter of a tribe decided to stay home with his woman to have quality time rather than hunt the deer? The tribe would starve, and his woman would not be very happy. In fact, the hunter might need to go on a long hunt just to make sure the tribe would have enough food to last. Learning about these instincts has shed much light on a lot of my past frustrations with men. Have you too ever found yourself thinking any of the following thoughts?
-“If he loved me enough, he would take five minutes every day to say hello in the middle of his work day” -“If he loved me enough, he would marry me now so that I could have kids before I’m past my prime.”
-“If he loved me enough, he would cancel his football night with the guys, so we could be together.”
When I’ve talked to men about this, they confirm that protecting and providing for the women in their life is the biggest way they show their love. So he might work long hours to provide for his family so they have every thing they need. He might not want to get married right now, because he wants to be more stable in his job to provide the right home, and lifestyle for his wife and family, as that is what he thinks a good husband and father should do. He may even need to spend time with the guys, so that he can get out some of the aggression he had at work, and be completely present when he comes home to you?
The next time you are upset about something your man did or didn’t do, rather than think to yourself, “If he loved me enough…” , perhaps you’ll remember that he may be providing and protecting for you in some way to show you how much he cares. You might even say, “I understand you aren’t able to do this for me now. When would be a good time, and what needs to happen so that you can do this for me? In the example of marriage, you might ask, “What would need to happen for it to be the right time for you to be married and have children?” Who knows… you might get the inside scoop on his plan of action, and find out that he was planning it with you in mind all along!
When’s the last time you had a “If he loved me enough” moment? I look forward to hearing your stories!
July 22, 2009
This week, one of my girlfriends mentioned how frustrated she was that her husband needs about 30 minutes to unwind when he gets home from work. At first, I was thinking to myself how I usually need about that much time to unwind after work too. Then she mentioned that she gets frustrated because he needs this time even before she gets to kiss him, and tell him about her day. She exclaimed, “What about my time? When do I get to unwind from taking care of the kids all day?” She admitted she was hurt that he was choosing to read his motorcycle magazine rather than spend time with her and the kids.
I could completely understand why she might be frustrated. What happens when you want to share something with your man, but he’s not able to listen in that moment? My girlfriend was relieved to hear that it wasn’t something she said or did, and his behavior didn’t mean that he didn’t care about her. Men are usually single-focused on one task at one time, and often they need transition time when they are moving from one task to the next, as may be the case when he’s leaving work, and coming home. When they get their transition time, they are much more able to give us all their attention and be in the moment with us, as my girlfriend also noticed with her husband.
As women, we multi-task so amazingly, we may not need transition time the way men do—but we do need a release or break from our list of to-do’s and our moments of handling so many things at once. We are masterful at adapting to what everyone else needs at work, at home, and with our family and friends. Do you ever feel like you are giving so much and you have so many things going it’s hard to keep it all straight? I admit, sometimes I feel the urge to stop time for just a little while to take a break . I now see where the expression, “Calgon, take me away!” came from. If only I had time for a bubble-bath every day!
I’ve talked to many women who agree that simply having alone time while running errands away from the kids, or your husband, just won’t do it. You may actually need Zone Out Time. Zoning Out means you are not thinking about anything having to do with your own life, or the people in it. I sometimes call it a mini holiday, or vacation. My favorite way to Zone Out is reading US magazine, watching a good movie, or a good reality show. For that brief time, I get to take a break from all the to-do’s on my list and watch someone else’s life without any need to do anything about it. It allows me to re-charge so I can tackle the rest of my list and be there for the people in my life. It’s amazing how clear my mind feels after some zone out time.
It might seem like a guilty pleasure to have a moment when you are not being productive, but it’s actually a necessity. I was so inspired by a woman I know who told her kids to give her 30 minutes of quiet time each day, so that she could read her favorite book. She explained to them that if they gave her that time, she could be Super Mommy the rest of the day which meant they would have a lot more fun. Guess what? Soon, her kids were reminding her to take her Zone Out Time.
Perhaps you too will take your 30 minutes a day, or whatever you might need to Zone Out from your to-do lists and many tasks calling to you? How much more productive might you be, and how much more will you have to give?
I’d love to hear what you do to Zone Out, and what your tips are for making sure you get that time? Feel free to click on the Comment link and share!
July 15, 2009
I recently asked for the best relationship advise your Mom gave you. One woman wrote back with advice about being independent:
“Best Relationship Advise from my Mom – Be Independent! Don’t expect a guy to take care of and provide for you. Provide for & take care of yourself. Guys respect you more when you are their equal.”
I really related to this, as I remember my Mom giving me the same advice. Both she and my dad empowered me to do things for myself, so that I didn’t have to rely on a man to do them for me–just in case there wasn’t a man close by. I’ve learned so much and I’ve had a lot of success in my life as a result. So I viewed my independence as a great asset! The thing they didn’t teach me was what to do when I did find a man who wanted to take care of and provide for me. Do I still provide and take care of myself? What if I let him provide for me some of the time? Does that mean I’m not independent?
I was having dinner with a girlfriend this week who mentioned that she’s having a hard time letting her boyfriend always pay for dinner or make plans for them. I completely understood how she felt. As women, when we can get so used to providing for ourselves, it can be hard to not want to plan every vacation, every dinner date, and have some part in taking care of things. After all, we are so good at it, right? We know that we will always get the result we want, if we do it ourselves. I know this is how I always thought.
Now, having been in an amazing relationship with my boyfriend for three years, I’m practicing being receptive to him providing for me more and more. I know he appreciates that I can open my own car door, carry my own bags, or pay for my own meal, but it’s also really neat to see the smile on his face when I show my appreciation for him providing and taking care of me in these moments. He gets to be my hero.
This week, whether you are at work, at home or the grocery store, a man may offer to provide or take care of you in some way. Rather than say “No thanks, I can do it,” perhaps you’ll say “Thank You,” and appreciate a moment of chivalry, so you can have take a much needed rest. Enjoy! I look forward to reading your comments and great stories!
July 13, 2009
I love to hear what others think. I believe we each can grow so much from hearing the opinions, feedback, or questions from someone else who might know a lot about a topic based on their life experience, culture, and family background. I’ve now made it really easy to comment on my blog posts from Red Lipstick Inc, so you too can share your thoughts with the rest of us. At the bottom of each post, you can click on the COMMENT link, and share what’s on your mind. You’ll notice it at the bottom of this link. So easy! Click on it now and tell me about your best tip for feeling confident. I look forward to reading your thoughts and learning a lot from you!