Mary Loyer: Founder of Red Lipstick Inc.
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- Are You Showing Him the REAL You?
- Marriage is as Marriage does…
- Does He Know the Color of Your Eyes?
- Are you Over-looking Heroes in Your midst?
- Step 4: Offer Him Your Appreciation and Reveal the Hero!
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- Can You have Harmony without Being a Pushover? on
April 26, 2010
The hot pink table-clothes draped the tables with femininity while the spring flowers trickled the scent of beauty throughout the air. The white folding chairs waited patiently for the ladies who all gathered on a Sunday afternoon to celebrate the coming union of a special woman named Molly and her fiancé, Adrian. On Sunday, I was one of these ladies overflowing with happiness for my friend Molly at her bridal shower. As we drank wine, shared a feast, and spoke of Molly’s exciting future, I couldn’t help but wonder—Should it really be exciting? As a former bride, I now realize that it is really an adventure, and the quality of this amazing adventure depends on what you put into it. Marriage is as Marriage does…
I remember fantasizing about my wedding and forgetting all about building a life together. How many of you have done the same thing and wondered why things didn’t fall into place after the wedding? We might have viewed our parents, our married friends, or even married people on T.V as role models to know what marriage should be like. We may have even thought it should be the best day of our life. But then, if it’s the best, how does the rest of our life look after that? It seems, the only two people to consult is you and your husband to be. Why not start by being open with each other about what each of you needs in the relationship, and hearing each other out regarding the expectations for your life together after you’re married.
Imagine creating the adventure you want—not perfect, not fantasy—but rather an unexpected adventure filled with love, laughter, and many twists and turns along the way. I’m so thrilled for Molly and Adrian, as they embark on this journey of discovery together. Perhaps you too will think of marriage a little differently, and imagine creating your own adventure, beyond your own perfect wedding day.
April 11, 2010
This seems a simple question doesn’t it? It’s a small detail, and yet if our man doesn’t know the color of our eyes, it can have us think that he doesn’t care about us, and perhaps it can even feel like he’s not being present enough to notice even the little things about us. This week, my friend Kimberly told me about her shock, when her boyfriend thought her eyes were hazel, when they are clearly brown. She couldn’t understand how he could look into her eyes during their many soulful conversations, and not remember that she had brown eyes!
I could relate to Kimberly’s disappointment and frustration. As women, we are so good at remembering the details about the people we love. One would think we have a photographic memory that stores all the preferences– favorite foods, clothes, books, movies, songs, colors, and virtually all the details involving our loved ones, so that we can show how much we care by buying them their favorite cd, cooking their favorite meal, or taking them to their favorite place.
I often smile, when my boyfriend and I go to a restaurant, and he asks me, “Do you remember what I got the last time we were here? Did I like it?” By now, he knows that I remember many of those details and loves that I can provide that for him. I think that reflex ability in me might be something that Gatherers used back in the cave man days when they needed to know exactly where the ripe berries were located in the meadow, and which ones were poisonous, or high in caloric value. If they didn’t remember these details, the survival of the tribe was in danger.
For men, the survival of the tribe was dependent on their ability to hunt. Even today, men use their single-focus to hunt “results” all day long. Sometimes, I’ll notice when my boyfriend is so focused on getting us to a party or a movie on time, that he doesn’t notice my new outfit, and forgets to tell me how pretty I look. The last time this happened, I remembered the fact that he was focused on getting us there. That was his job, and he was committed to getting me their safely. I also remembered that when a man is in hunt-mode, all other details that are not related to the hunt are tuned out. When we got to restaurant, he arranged for us to sit right next to each other in the booth ( I looove sitting close to him), and when we got settled, I knew he was done with his hunt, when he looked at me, and said, “Hi Pretty-girl”, and gave me a big kiss. I told him in that moment how much I love when he notices me and tells me I’m pretty. Since then, he seems to notice me, and tell me I’m pretty all the time, and when I least expect it. Those are the best moments!
Perhaps, your man may be so single-focused on his hunt, that he doesn’t notice certain details that you think are important. Rather than conclude that he doesn’t care about you, perhaps you’ll remember that he may be focused on a different result, like providing for you in some way. Give him a clue about the certain details that are important to you—that show you that he cares. Maybe even give him a hint by asking, “How do I look? I just got my hair done today” Then you might tell him how much you love when he notices that one thing that will have you smiling all day! Enjoy those unexpected moments of yumminess that follow!
April 4, 2010
In the last several weeks, I’ve outlined the four steps in the Harmony Process for all of you strong, confident women out there who may wonder why men seem so clueless sometimes. These four steps have saved me much frustration and have helped me to achieve a state of Confident Harmony, in which I experience the men in my life being my heroes. In the moments when they are doing something I might think is stupid, this process has helped me to always get what I need. What a relief I have felt when I don’t have the burden of doing everything myself. I admit it hasn’t always been easy to follow these four steps, especially when I’m in a stressful situation, and my patience is in short supply.
I finally found an easy way to remember these steps and a way for me to catch myself in these moments so that I can reveal the heroes in my life, rather than over-look them, and continue to be frustrated by their supposed acts of “stupidity.” Use the acronym, H.E.R.O below to start using the Harmony Process in your own life, and watch all the heroes in your midst strive to give you what you ask for.
His Behavior: Identify the so-called “stupid” behavior without evaluating what it means.
Expectations: Get clear on your expectations. What were you expecting him to know or do?
Request What You Need: Clearly request what you need and how it will make you feel.
Offer Appreciation: Appreciate his efforts to give you what you need, and behold your hero rise up.
Recently, I remembered the steps in this process with my Dad, and I was so happy to have seen him be my hero, after feeling disappointed by him for much of my life. Before dinner with my parents one day, my Dad was asking me twenty questions about my new job, and his questions were all about the facts, and detailed data about how each part of the company operates. At first, I felt overwhelmed, and thought he was being clueless—even stupid to think that I should know all these facts. After-all, I’m not the President of this company, and why does he need to know these details anyway?
In that moment, I remembered, H.E.R.O, and reminded myself of the following:
His Behavior: My Dad was asking a lot of fact-based questions. Rather than evaluate the meaning, I remembered that by nature, men use facts and data-based information to form opinions about things. He needed to know these facts in order to know his daughter found a good company to work for.
Expectations: I expected my Dad to know that I wouldn’t know all this information. I also expected him to know that I just got home from work, and rather than interrogate me with questions, I might just want to relax, and tell him what I liked about my new job. It made me feel like he didn’t care about me, and that he wasn’t listening when I exclaimed how tired I was after work that day. I reminded myself that he had no idea I had these expectations of him.
Request What You Need: I took a deep breath and smiled as I told my dad, “I know you are interested in all the details in my job and want to make sure I am working for a great company. However, It makes me feel interrogated when you ask me so many questions at once. It would really help me relax, if I could have thirty minutes to unwind from my busy day, and then I’d love it if you would just ask me, “How was your day at work?” That one question will have me share everything with you. If you forget to ask, is it okay if I ask you, “Can I tell you about my day?” At first my Dad didn’t seem to understand how I could be overwhelmed by all the questions. To him, they were essential. He still agreed to my request, because I clearly explained how it would help me. He said, “Oh, I don’t want you to feel interrogated!”
Offer Appreciation: The next time we had dinner, I was so delighted when my Dad came to me about thirty minutes after my arrival, and asked, “So, how was your day at work?” You can only imagine the smile on my face! I felt so free to share what I wanted to share about my day. I saw a huge smile on my Dad’s face too, as I continued to talk and give details—even some facts about the company I work for. Thirty minutes later, I thanked him for asking about my day, and for helping me relax after work.
After that experience with my Dad, he continued being my hero! The next time I saw my Dad, he was on his way to the drugstore. He asked me, “Do you need anything from the store?” At first I thought, “I need facial cleanser, but he may not get the right one.” I just gave him a list, and let him get it for me. I thanked him later for thinking of me and for saving me the trip to the store.
This might seem small and trivial act, but since then, my Dad has approached me many times wanting to help and provide for me in various ways. I encourage you to continue practicing the Harmony Process with the men in your life. Behold the Confident Harmony you feel, when you have faith in the different strengths of those around you, and get what you need with a lot less effort! Enjoy!