Mary Loyer: Founder of Red Lipstick Inc.

Mary Loyer: Founder of Red Lipstick Inc.

Welcome Ladies! As a Speaker and Relationship Coach, I will show you a new perspective on how to be confident woman as bold as red lipstick! If you've ever been frustrated by the men in your life or felt overwhelmed trying to find your own balance and harmony, you have come to the right place for some answers!

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mixed messages_0 Working with men and women, I’ve discovered that one of the biggest areas of misunderstanding is in the way we communicate.  As you may have experienced first-hand with the men in your life, they tend to be very visual, and they use actions a lot more often than words to express how they feel or what’s on their mind.    Your man might care for you so much that he decides to plan a nice romantic dinner for you, although he may not actually say  “I love you.”  In his mind, it’s obvious by his actions.

The men I’ve talk to about this mentioned that they judge other men by their actions, so it’s a natural thing to express themselves by “doing,” rather than “telling.”  The women I’ve talked to have voiced much frustration, when their man neglects to tell them certain things, because he thinks its “obvious,” especially when it involves something important like picking up the relatives at the airport, or that he’ll be two hours late for their anniversary dinner.

It’s understandable that as women, we might be frustrated—since we communicate most often by using our words to express what’s on our mind, and how we feel about things.  If our man is trying to show how much he cares through his actions, we may sometimes miss it entirely, because we may be expecting him to “tell” us how much he cares about us.

This misunderstanding seems even more apparent in our society today, where many of us women are independent, successful, and we can provide most of the material things we want for ourselves.  When asked “What makes you happy?”  One group of women recently mentioned things like: adoration, attention, appreciation, companionship, and love from men.  The men I’ve talked to about this were shocked!  As it turns out, when a man is evaluating whether a woman is the one he wants to spend his life with, he notices the lifestyle she is currently accustomed to, and he evaluates if he can provide that same lifestyle for her, as he wants to make sure she is taken care of.

You can imagine the misunderstanding that might occur when a woman exclaims that she doesn’t need the fancy car, and the big diamond ring, and yet her “actions” shows her man otherwise.  If she is constantly looking at diamond rings, and talking about fancy cars, he receives a different message.  This doesn’t mean as women, we must apologize or diminish our success in life!  If you are dating, in a relationship, or married, perhaps you’ll simply consider that your man may notice your actions above anything you might say otherwise.

To avoid giving mixed messages, be sure to have your actions match your words.  Being clear about what you need to be happy could mean telling your man that you want to be in a relationship where you “work together to create the lifestyle you both want, and that you are provided with the love, care, and companionship that you’ve always wanted.”  Then by your actions of appreciation for what he does provide for you, you can send him the right message!  Enjoy the action!


  1. Is this tied to the deep need for a woman to be ‘pleasing’ that you’ve talked about before? Centuries of conditioning to say the right thing, dress a certain way, etc? Thus, it can feel to a man like she is just saying she doesn’t want things because that’s what will have us like her more. We can’t tell what she really wants. Example: I’ve met so many men that had this incredible new relationship, she said kids weren’t important, then one day she leaves him because kids were important.

    Masculine men tend to be un-pleasing. They come from their standards and speak them clearly. This can be called ‘selfish’ by women and ‘trustable’ by men. One can see the problem where a man seems inflexible and the woman doesn’t really say what she wants. I’ve even seen wives get pregnant when the man clearly didn’t want children because he already had some. She always wanted kids and married him anyway. This mismatch is called a powder keg.

    Comment by Erol — February 11, 2010 @ 1:23 pm

  2. It very well could have something to do with a woman’s need to please her provider/protector. As women, we are so good at adapting to what our loved ones need, especially the man we love, that we may not commit to one specific need or want for ourselves. You might hear women talk about not wanting children, but still wanting the right to change her mind later, or to know that the option is not taken away from her. This can certainly pose a big challenge for men who usually say what they mean, and mean what they say.

    One way to perhaps be clearer in the beginning is to call out one’s deal-breakers right from the first few dates–before feelings get invested. After a woman’s feelings get involved, she may have the illusion that she can change her man’s mind if he loves her enough. This is one pitfall I teach women not to fall into, as it can only lead to misunderstanding and heart-ache. Rather, I teach them to interpret a man’s actions as the real deal with no hidden meanings as they might expect.

    Comment by mary — February 11, 2010 @ 10:42 pm

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