Mary Loyer: Founder of Red Lipstick Inc.

Mary Loyer: Founder of Red Lipstick Inc.

Welcome Ladies! As a Speaker and Relationship Coach, I will show you a new perspective on how to be confident woman as bold as red lipstick! If you've ever been frustrated by the men in your life or felt overwhelmed trying to find your own balance and harmony, you have come to the right place for some answers!

Subscribe to my blog, and get ideas and tips for being your best self, and getting what you need from your man with a lot less effort. Perhaps you'll learn something new, or get a reminder to practice living in your fabulousness. Enjoy!

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In the last several weeks, I’ve outlined the four steps in the Harmony Process for all of you strong, confident women out there who may wonder why men seem so clueless sometimes.  These four steps have saved me much frustration and have helped me to achieve a state of Confident Harmony, in which I experience the men in my life being my heroes.  In the moments when they are doing something I might think is stupid, this process has helped me to always get what I need.  What a relief I have felt when I don’t have the burden of doing everything myself.  I admit it hasn’t always been easy to follow these four steps, especially when I’m in a stressful situation, and my patience is in short supply.

I finally found an easy way to remember these steps and a way for me to catch myself in these moments so that I can reveal the heroes in my life, rather than over-look them, and continue to be frustrated by their supposed acts of “stupidity.”  Use the acronym, H.E.R.O below to start using the Harmony Process in your own life, and watch all the heroes in your midst strive to give you what you ask for.

His Behavior: Identify the so-called “stupid” behavior without evaluating what it means.

Expectations: Get clear on your expectations.  What were you expecting him to know or do?

Request What You Need:  Clearly request what you need and how it will make you feel.

Offer Appreciation: Appreciate his efforts to give you what you need, and behold your hero rise up.

Recently, I remembered the steps in this process with my Dad, and I was so happy to have seen him be my hero, after feeling disappointed by him for much of my life.  Before dinner with my parents one day, my Dad was asking me twenty questions about my new job, and his questions were all about the facts, and detailed data about how each part of the company operates.  At first, I felt overwhelmed, and thought he was being clueless—even stupid to think that I should know all these facts.  After-all, I’m not the President of this company, and why does he need to know these details anyway?

In that moment, I remembered, H.E.R.O, and reminded myself of the following:

His Behavior:  My Dad was asking a lot of fact-based questions.  Rather than evaluate the meaning, I remembered that by nature, men use facts and data-based information to form opinions about things.  He needed to know these facts in order to know his daughter found a good company to work for.

Expectations: I expected my Dad to know that I wouldn’t know all this information.  I also expected him to know that I just got home from work, and rather than interrogate me with questions, I might just want to relax, and tell him what I liked about my new job.  It made me feel like he didn’t care about me, and that he wasn’t listening when I exclaimed how tired I was after work that day.  I reminded myself that he had no idea I had these expectations of him.

Request What You Need:  I took a deep breath and smiled as I told my dad, “I know you are interested in all the details in my job and want to make sure I am working for a great company.  However, It makes me feel interrogated when you ask me so many questions at once.  It would really help me relax, if I could have thirty minutes to unwind from my busy day, and then I’d love it if you would just ask me, “How was your day at work?”  That one question will have me share everything with you.  If you forget to ask, is it okay if I ask you, “Can I tell you about my day?”  At first my Dad didn’t seem to understand how I could be overwhelmed by all the questions.  To him, they were essential.  He still agreed to my request, because I clearly explained how it would help me.  He said, “Oh, I don’t want you to feel interrogated!”

Offer Appreciation:  The next time we had dinner, I was so delighted when my Dad came to me about thirty minutes after my arrival, and asked, “So, how was your day at work?”  You can only imagine the smile on my face!  I felt so free to share what I wanted to share about my day.  I saw a huge smile on my Dad’s face too, as I continued to talk and give details—even some facts about the company I work for.   Thirty minutes later, I thanked him for asking about my day, and for helping me relax after work.

After that experience with my Dad, he continued being my hero!   The next time I saw my Dad, he was on his way to the drugstore.  He asked me, “Do you need anything from the store?”  At first I thought, “I need facial cleanser, but he may not get the right one.”  I just gave him a list, and let him get it for me.  I thanked him later for thinking of me and for saving me the trip to the store.

This might seem small and trivial act, but since then, my Dad has approached me many times wanting to help and provide for me in various ways. I encourage you to continue practicing the Harmony Process with the men in your life.  Behold the Confident Harmony you feel, when you have faith in the different strengths of those around you, and get what you need with a lot less effort!  Enjoy!

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EmpoweredWomeniYesterday I read an interesting study about women, by The Boston Consulting Group in 2009.  The study of 100,000 women in the United States revealed three major challenges plaguing women in their lives:

-Managing their household and finances

-Too many demands on their time

-Not enough time for themselves

I found these results so interesting, and I could relate as I know I have discussed these same three things with many of the women I know.  It does seem that in our society where a woman may have a successful career, a family, and other community responsibilities, all at once, she can feel as though someone always needs her at any given moment.  It might even seem impossible to get the time she needs to take care of herself.

I notice in my life, sometimes, I’ll even commit to certain responsibilities with out realizing that I didn’t plan for ME time in the midst of it all.  It’s a natural instinct as women to want to nurture and take care of the people in our lives.  We can be so good at adapting, that we may forget to fill our own tanks before continuing the marathon.  Who fills us up when we are approaching empty?

After reading this study, I started to wonder –Do the people in these women’s lives know that they are overwhelmed in these three areas of their life?  I wonder if their husbands, boyfriends, children, friends, or co-workers knew that they were having these challenges, might they want to help or relieve their stress in some small way?

I admit that I forget to ask for help and it can seem quicker to do things myself.  Then I finally have to listen to my body when it’s boycotting any clear thinking until I give it some well-deserved sleep.  Sometimes– time for ourselves is demanded by our bodies, and we have no choice ( I am experiencing this as we speak, while my body is demanding I give it much rest to recover from the flu).  When this happens, it can pose an inconvenience, and really disrupt our lives.  Though, isn’t it interesting, how when we’re sick, the people we love all come out to give us a helping hand? 

Why not empower ourselves to ask for help before we are desperate for it?  If you are experiencing certain challenges in your life, especially with the demands of your time—perhaps you’ll decide to make 2010 the year of your liberation.  Rather than assume you must do it all alone, I encourage you to make a list of all the things that demand your time, and take away from filling your tanks of love, patience, fun and any of the other amazing qualities that make you–YOU.   If it involves your kids or your family, discuss those tasks with your husband.  Who knows, you might find that he can help you find a solution, especially if it means he can experience his loving, patient, fun wife being less over-whelmed.

If your tanks are on empty for other reasons, be sure to reach out to your friends who can support you and lend a helping hand, even it’s a ride to the gym to make sure you exercise that day.  Here’s to an amazing 2010 filled with many empowering moments and full tanks to help us be the women we want to be!!

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To Ask or Not to Ask?

February 27, 2008

Do you ever feel like you can’t ask for help? I admit that I have sometimes felt the need to show my independence, suck it up, and just do it. I think the term is: Be my own warrior. As I’ve gotten used to doing things on my own, I forget to ask for help especially from men. But why? Do you ever think as I have: That they won’t do it the "right" way? They might mess it up! Maybe you’ve felt so valuable and applauded when you accomplish things on your own, that it motivates you to do more. If you are anything like me, this has led to much exhaustion and sometimes burn out. Ay Carumba!

Recently, I started to ask myself a few questions: Do I need to be doing everything myself? Will I live if it’s not done exactly the way I would do it? Could I possibly learn a new and even better way of doing something? What if my boyfriend, and my male colleagues are waiting for me to ask for help so they can save me once in a while and be my hero for the day? Ahh, that sounds kind of nice…

What do you think? Are you one to Ask or not to Ask? Am I the only one who is a recovering Non-Asker?

In my fascination of this topic, I came across this very interesting book that shed some light for me: Women Don’t Ask: Negotiation and the Gender Divide By Linda Babcock, Sara Laschever
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