Mary Loyer: Founder of Red Lipstick Inc.

Mary Loyer: Founder of Red Lipstick Inc.

Welcome Ladies! As a Speaker and Relationship Coach, I will show you a new perspective on how to be confident woman as bold as red lipstick! If you've ever been frustrated by the men in your life or felt overwhelmed trying to find your own balance and harmony, you have come to the right place for some answers!

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Expectations Last week, I spoke of being an unstoppable woman by cultivating a state of Confident Harmony.  I outlined the first step in the Harmony Process to help you on the road to getting what you need from the men in your life.  So how’d you do this week with Step 1?  Did you Identify lots of so-called “Stupid” Behavior in the men around you?  When I first started observing this, as you can imagine there was no shortage of actions by men that I assumed were evidence of stupidity.  I  know your list may be just as long, and detailed… so for Step 2, you can simply use one “stupid” action to focus on to continue the Harmony Process.

Step 1:  Identify the so-called “Stupid” Behavior without Evaluation
Rather than see the behavior for what you think it means, try observing the actions only.

Step 2:  Get Clear with Your Expectations

This one is tricky, as sometimes we think we don’t have an expectation, because we just assume that everyone does something the way we do it.  I use to have the belief that, “Everyone knows that you shake a person’s hand when you meet them, therefore its not my expectation and if someone doesn’t shake my hand, they are clearly being rude on purpose.”

I’ve come to learn that EVERYTHING I assume is going to happen with people around me– is simply an expectation.  I assume that all women like pedicures because I do.  I assume that all women like wearing lipstick, because I do.  I assume that all women like chic flicks because I do.  I admit that in the past when I met women who didn’t fit some of my assumptions, I thought they were very odd, and again assumed something must be wrong with them.  My expectations were definitely getting the best of me in those moments.  These expectations even effected the men in my life.  Years ago, I really thought my Dad was stupid, because he didn’t seem to express love the way I did .  I expected a certain type of behavior from him, because that is how I would have expressed my love and care.

I lived for eight years, ignoring my father’s existence.  I was so hurt—thinking he was stupid, and incapable of loving me—that I decided to reject him instead.  Later, I realized that my expectations were based on how I express my love, and the whole time my Dad had no idea why I was so hurt.   I was able to open up with curiosity, and I asked him, “ How do you like to express love and care?”  He mentioned that he likes to inquire about people to show interest, do nice things for them, and offer advice to show he cares.  Then I remembered that a big difference between men and women is that men judge each other by their actions, so they are used to taking action and solving problems, rather than using words, or emotion to express themselves.  After that new revelation about my Dad, I started to see the ways he cared for me all the time, and I began learning how to request the kind of care that I needed. 

Using one stupid action on your list, try this step for yourself.  Regarding the man who committed this so-called “stupid” action, ask yourself: What were you expecting him to know or do in that situation? How did it make you feel when he didn’t do it?  Do you think he was purposely trying to make you feel that way?

After answering these questions, you might find that you have some expectations that this man has no idea about.  He may simply be reacting or behaving in a way that is natural to the hunter-single-focused ways of men.  To be sure, try asking him, “What had you do that, or not do that?”    What had you make that decision, or say what you said?  How do you like to give_________ create___________, do _________, clean__________?  Fill in the blank with whatever action or behavior caused you to think he was being stupid.  Most likely, his answer won’t be anything you expected!  Try to be open to being surprised, and be curious without making his answer wrong.  It will be worth it when you get what YOU need from him in step 3!  Stay tuned next week for step 3:  Clearly Requesting What You Need, and GETTING it! 

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