Mary Loyer: Founder of Red Lipstick Inc.

Mary Loyer: Founder of Red Lipstick Inc.

Welcome Ladies! As a Speaker and Relationship Coach, I will show you a new perspective on how to be confident woman as bold as red lipstick! If you've ever been frustrated by the men in your life or felt overwhelmed trying to find your own balance and harmony, you have come to the right place for some answers!

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Bosom-Buddies-tv-03 Have you ever caught yourself saying to yourself, “If I were him, I would have done it the smarter way.  Why did he do that so backwards?”  In my research, it seems this can be a common thought in our minds when our husband, boyfriend, or male colleague does something we don’t agree with.  We try to make sense of it in our mind, and when it doesn’t match up to what we would have done, it can be an easy conclusion for us to think he was just being “stupid.”  I’ve been guilty of thinking this many times.

I wonder though, what if by the act of expecting men to do and think the way we do, we are really looking at  them as “hairy women,” who should know all the right ways to do things like we do.  Remember Tom Hanks portrayed a woman on the sitcom, Bosom Buddies?  He could dress like a woman, but he couldn’t help thinking like a man which often got him into trouble.  It sure made for great laughs, right!  On the other side, men can often make the same mistake by perceiving women as softer men who should do things and think the way they do.

So the big question is: How do we change this perception, and stop our frustration when the men in our lives do things that we perceive as being “stupid?”

Well, perhaps we can start with the idea that men and women were designed differently for a reason.  Maybe there are strengths or skills that one has that can benefit the other?  When I came upon this realization several years ago, it gave me a huge relief.  I suddenly didn’t feel the burden to have to do everything myself.  The next trick seemed to be in learning how to engage my man to help me benefit from all the great skills and strengths bestowed to him as a “Man.”  After all—now that I wasn’t seeing him as a hairy woman, I was aware that maybe he wasn’t going to be able to read my mind and know what I needed from him all the time.

Sometimes, it seems as simple as being aware that what we think is obvious to us, is NOT obvious to him.  That doesn’t mean it’s easy to handle those moments of misunderstanding.  It can be very frustrating, none the less.  I often find myself reminding the men in my life about this when I don’t quickly understand something they think is obvious—like how plumbing works.  My friend Nathali use to get so upset about the socks her husband, John always left on the floor.  She said,” He obviously expects me to pick them up, because they’ve been on the floor for a week.  He can obviously see them—he just refuses to pick them up.”  When she finally brought it to his attention, he said, “What socks?” 

I taught Nathali that men are really good at focusing on only one task at a time, and how it can have them tune out everything unrelated to their current task—even if it’s socks on the floor.  She was very relieved to know that he wasn’t purposely trying to upset her.  She later explained to him how happy it would make her, if he put his socks in the hamper, and helped her keep the floor clean.   He agreed, and simply asked if she could give him a friendly reminder, as he doesn’t always notice them.

The next time you notice the men in your life doing something that you think might be “stupid,” because the “correct” way is obvious to you, perhaps you’ll remember that he’s not a hairy woman, who thinks the way you do.  Try asking him why he did something with curiosity, rather than an attitude of disdain.  You may find that he had a good reason, and it may give you room to ask for what you need differently next time.  Stay tuned next week for details on my Harmony Process—four easy steps to help you get what you need with a lot less frustration.

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