Mary Loyer: Founder of Red Lipstick Inc.
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March 7, 2010
Remember last week I spoke of finding Confident Harmony with the men in my life? Well, a few of you wrote back asking what that actually looks like, and curious if it is something you might even want in your life?
As I thought more about how to describe this state of Confident Harmony, I remembered that every woman I’ve ever talked to would love to be more confident. We even have our own role models for confidence. I look up to Arianna Huffington as a great example of a confident woman. I love her elegant way of always speaking her mind.
So what happens when you add harmony into the mix?
Confidence is defined as: to have, or show faith. So when a woman is described as confident, it may seem that she has faith in herself. She makes decisions well, she is clear about what she wants, and has faith in her abilities. When you add harmony to the mix (a pleasing combination of elements in a whole), imagine a woman who has faith in herself, and faith in the pleasing combination of people with different abilities around her. What you will notice, is a woman who is strong, uncompromising in her values, and alert to the strengths in the people around her, so that she can accomplish what she needs and wants. I call that woman unstoppable!
I often experience this state of “Confident Harmony” as a result of practicing something I call the Harmony Process. I say “often” because as imperfect human beings, we may have our moments when our fear, anger, and frustration can take over, and all our faith goes out the window. When those moments happen to me, this Harmony Process helps bring me back to where I wanna be to get what I need with grace. It consists of four steps to follow any time you encounter a frustrating situation with a man behaving in a way you might think is “stupid,“ or just plain wrong in your opinion. This week, I’ve outlined step one for you to practice!
Step 1: Identify the so-called “Stupid” Behavior without Evaluation
This might seem to be an easy thing to do, but in the heat of the moment, when we are frustrated, our observation skills may not be as accessible, and it can be easy to jump to conclusions about what a man just did, and how he possibly could have done it, especially if it really hurt us or someone else. My friend Nathali really thought her husband leaving his socks on the floor was his way of saying, “He didn’t care about how much work it took for her to clean the house.” In this case she was able to see that the only thing he was ACTUALLY doing was leaving his socks on the floor. Acknowledging this was the first step for her to get what she needed from her husband John. She realized that this action of leaving socks on the floor was merely that—one action she didn’t understand or agree with. By not taking it personal, she became free to see what was really going on, and deal with it. She realized that he was so single-focused on his other tasks (a strength of men), that he didn’t even see the socks!
Be easy on yourself this week as you practice this step of “identifying” the behavior of men that is standing in the way of you getting what you need. Remember how different men are from women. They have twenty times more testosterone than we do, and that changes how their brains are designed and the strengths they’ve developed. Rather than see the behavior for what you think it means, try observing the actions only. If your man brings his laptop to the table at dinner, he didn’t insult your cooking and your hard-work, he simply brought the laptop to the table, period. Practicing this step this week will help you ease into Step 2 of gaining Confident Harmony: Getting Clear on Your Expectations. Stay tuned for that next week!
P.S. I’d love to hear about the biggest thing your man did that you thought was stupid! Please do send them my way, by commenting on this post, or sending me a question on my site: www.redlipstickinc.com
February 24, 2010
Last week, I spoke of how frustrating it can be when we, as women, find ourselves in one of those moments when we encounter a man we think is being “stupid.” I often become painfully aware that they don’t think like us, and therefore, what we think is the obvious way to do things is not obvious to them. It can be especially frustrating when we don’t have time to explain it in what we think is layman’s terms.
Does this mean that we are destined to be frustrated and not get what we want or need from men?
That’s a question I’ve been asking myself for many years. I’ve heard many other men and women ask questions like “Why do relationships have to be so hard?” or “Why can’t we just get along?” With so many differences between us, it can seem virtually impossible to achieve harmony without one person submitting to what the other person wants, ignoring their own needs, or just keeping quiet when they get upset. Some people even call that– being a “push-over.”
Some might think that to have harmony in a relationship, one person must be a “push-over,” and neglect what they need. In researching harmony, I’ve found a different way of looking at it that has made all the difference in my life!
The dictionary, describes harmony as: a pleasing combination of elements in a whole. In music, harmony is used to describe the process of playing or singing two or more different notes at the same time to form chords. So really, it’s not about being a “pushover,” and diminishing what you want. Rather, it’s about being numberswiki.com
completely different and combining those differences to create something amazing. Imagine being celebrated for your unique set of strengths at work, and being called upon to use those strengths for the gain of the team, similar to the way each instrument in an orchestra has a different strength of equal importance to help create the amazing sound of a symphony. The symphony just wouldn’t sound the same without the different sounds of the trumpet, or the piano. It’s also impossible for the trumpet to sound anything like the piano.
If your life is a symphony, imagine utilizing the gifts and strengths of the people around you to help you get what you need and create your amazing tune of happiness. The more I learn about men, the more aware I am that perhaps they were created to compliment the tune of our melody as women. I can see my frustration always comes when I don’t understand their strengths and how their tune fits into my symphony. Although, I’m used to my own instrument, and the way it sounds on its own– I’ve grown to appreciate when my boyfriend’s different tune can make my own a lot sweeter, especially when it saves me a lot of time, effort, and precious energy.
Studying harmony amongst men and women for the last few years has led me to create my Harmony Process. Using this process, I have found a “Confident Harmony” in my life, as it has helped me handle those frustrating “stupid” moments so that I still get to be my confident self, uncompromising in my values as a strong women, and getting what I need from the men in my life. If you want a taste of this “Confident Harmony,” stay tuned next week, as I outline 4 steps to master your own symphony.