Mary Loyer: Founder of Red Lipstick Inc.
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- Are You Showing Him the REAL You?
- Marriage is as Marriage does…
- Does He Know the Color of Your Eyes?
- Are you Over-looking Heroes in Your midst?
- Step 4: Offer Him Your Appreciation and Reveal the Hero!
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November 11, 2009
Last week, I suggested how to ask for what you really want from your man. I received a lot of feedback regarding that topic, and it appears that many of us share a similar frustration with how to get what we need with more ease. “Wouldn’t it be easier if they could just read our minds?”– one woman asked. Well perhaps they could if they were women—but thank God they’re not, right?
Last week, I suggested when asking him to take out the trash, or pick up his beer bottles after watching TV, to let him know what it really provides for you, and how it will make you feel—whether it relieves the stress of you cleaning up after a long day of watching the kids, or how happy it makes you feel knowing the house is clean.
Equally as important, is to let him know how it makes you feel when it doesn’t happen. Will you be overwhelmed, stressed, cranky—or anxious? These are valid points to discuss, as you’ll want your man to know what has you be in distress. This way he can help you slay those dragons. So, I know you might be thinking–what if he still doesn’t do it?
The men I’ve talked to about this, admit that they are often so focused on the current task right in front of them (as good hunters should be, right?). Sometimes, they need a quick reminder from their woman to do the things they promised to do. This of course does not mean they love their woman any less. Ever hear of the famous “honey-do list”? Since men respond to tasks, this is one way to communicate clearly what you need them to “hunt” for you. Other men may respond best to a simple conversation:
“ Honey, can I interrupt you for a minute? I need to ask you something. When you’re done watching TV, it would help me so much if you picked up your beer bottles and threw them away. I’ve noticed that when the living room is clean, I feel such a happy sigh of relief, and it’s easier for me to focus on fixing dinner or taking care of the kids.”
The second part of this conversation is key: Be sure to ask him if he needs anything from you in order to do that for you. This way it’s a two-way agreement. “Is there anything you need from me, in order to help me out in that way?” Be prepared—he may just say, “ Sometimes, I’m focused on the game or an important work project on my computer, so If you could remind me sometimes, that would be great!”
Keep in mind you may not always need to remind him, but doing it with love and appreciation in your voice will go a long way, rather than an irritated tone in your voice that says “I can’t believe he forgot again.” Have you ever forgotten to do something you promised to do? I know I have, and I when it happens, I feel terrible. Imagine your man feeling the same way before you decide to remind him of his moment of short-coming. Be sure to appreciate and acknowledge when he does gives you what you need, and soon you may find him wanting to give to you more often.
In addition to providing a list, having a two-way agreement, and appreciating him, men have told me that being very specific is also important when asking for what you want. Think about the literal thing you are asking for. If you want him to spend more time with you and the kids, rather than ask “When are you going to stop working so many long hours?”, and hope he reads your mind— ask for what you really want: “Honey, the kids and I have been missing you lately, and we’d love to enjoy some quality time with you soon—when do you think we can schedule a day together?”
Even at the end of the day you can say: “I would love to enjoy 20 or 30 minutes with you tonight and re-connect after our long day. When is a good time for you?”
Often, our busy days can get away from us, and I know I personally get distracted with my own to-do list. When I’m mindful to ask for what I want–rather than assume my man can read my mind or that it’s just common sense–I notice such a difference. When I sincerely express how important it is to me, I’m amazed at the response! Perhaps you’ll get a chance to ask for what you want this week, and feel some relief when you get it! Enjoy!
November 3, 2009
After finishing dinner at my parents house a few weeks ago, my Mom reminded us to put our dishes in the dishwasher when we were done. My older sister seemed annoyed that my Mom felt the need to remind us, as my sister routinely cleaned her dishes. What struck me as interesting was why my Mom did feel the need to remind us. So I asked her, “Mom, why is it so important to you that the dishes be in the dishwasher, that you wanted to remind us?” She answered, “When I wake up in the morning, and I see dishes left over from the night before, it’s hard for me to relax knowing that I have some work to do right away,” She continues, “ but when I wake up and the kitchen is clean, it gives me the best feeling of peace and happiness, because I can just relax while I have my breakfast.”
Wow, I thought. It’s not the cleaning of the dishes that she was really asking for… It was the peace of mind and relaxation in the morning that she really wanted. After hearing this, I said to her, “Mom, knowing that this is what a clean kitchen will provide you, I will certainly make sure I clean my dishes after dinner.” I admit that before I knew the importance to her, clean dishes didn’t seem like that big of a deal to me.
That experience got me to thinking… how often do we ask for something from our husbands or boyfriends, that might seem so simple and mundane to them, yet it may hold such importance to us? How often does it not get done, and then we are frustrated and disappointed ? I wonder, do they understand what taking the trash out, or picking up the Milk from the store, or picking up their socks will actually “provide” for you? If they knew that it would give you peace of mind so you could sleep that night, or relieve you from stress, might it change things? The Men I’ve talked to about this have confirmed that providing for their woman is very important, so if they know how to make her feel “relaxed, peaceful, at ease, or happy in that moment” they will do it, even if it’s something as simple as taking out the trash.
The next time you have a request, or need something from him, perhaps you’ll explain what this simple request will “actually” provide for you, and how it will make you feel. You might notice him wanting to provide for you in a whole new way! Email me and let me know how your man became your hero this week! I can’t wait to hear all about it!
June 30, 2009
Growing up, I remember my Mom giving me relationship advice about how to find a man that would treat me like a Queen. I valued her insight so much, as I know she always wanted the best for me. I remember at the time, thinking to myself: "Well, if he is going to treat me like a queen, how should I treat him?" Now that I’m in a relationship in which I feel so loved and cared for, I find myself really wanting to give back to him. I love doing even the smallest things to have him feel appreciated even if it’s telling him how much I appreciate him fixing the sub-woofer in my car. I love the way he smiles when he feels appreciated. I notice how much more he seems to want to do for me when I appreciate him.
I recently read an amazing article written by a man who talks about five easy ways to make your man smile. Click on the link below for the full article. Try any of these and see how quickly your man seems to smile and be happier. You might even find him being more responsive to you and your needs.
What kind of relationship advise did your Mom give you growing up? I have heard so much wisdom over the years from mothers and grandmothers I come in contact with. Feel free to go to my site www.redlipstickinc.com and click on ASK MARY, to send me your stories and questions. I can answer them on my next blog post. Your stories help the rest of us learn so much!
February 22, 2009
Ever feel like getting thoughts and feelings out of your guy is like pulling teeth? I sometimes catch myself asking my boyfriend a question, and when he doesn’t answer me fast enough, I want to give him multiple choice or answer for him. I use to think it might be that men were slow or maybe they didn’t get the question? Now I laugh about it because I realized that sometimes I’ve talked to men like I do with my girlfriends. When I get together with my girlfriends, we talk over each other like gatherers do as if we just found the ripest berry and we must tell everyone! I love it- and we don’t even notice if one of us is interrupting the other. It’s like a berry-fest. No wonder I was giving my boyfriend multiple choice! I was expecting this interchange of details and berries!
As hunters, men can get straight to the point, and may not even mention what they think is obvious. This can certainly be frustrating for those of us gatherers who are hoping for a good berry report. I have since learned that if I just ask a question, and actually pause for a few seconds, my boyfriend let’s me know exactly what he’s thinking—and it’s usually pretty brilliant! I’m liking my new 30 second rule. The next time you’re talking with your boyfriend, husband, or male co-worker, try pausing for 30 seconds. You might owe a lot of pennies for all the thoughts you get!« Older Posts